Flagtasia: The Phantom Banner

I'm stealing a large chunk of a post from John Salzi's blog to put emphais on a point I made earlier about flag burning laws. My point: such a measure in unenforcable (or at least ineffective) becuase defining exactly what the American flag is can be hugely problematic.

John brilliantly, using pictures for the slow of mind or primping patriot, demonstrates what I mean:

If you want to get fiddly about it, here are the actual government specs for the flag, dictating what the standard dimensions of the flag would be, down to the Pantone colors used in the flag. As the proposed Amendment allows Congress and the states to prohibit desecration of the US Flag, let us assume -- for the sake of argument -- that the flag is defined by these standard dimensions. Got it? Fine. Here we go:

An American Flag? Hardly. It has only 49 stars! There's a circle where a star should be. Certainly an American Flag had 49 stars, but it didn't look like this (it looked like this).The true 49-star flag would likely be covered by the Amendment, but this one, not so much. Use it for kindling!

Three cheers for the Red, White and Gray? I think not -- use this one to swaddle a horse. Then feed that horse lots of grain.

The 13 red and white stripes represent the original 13 colonies of the United States -- but what's this? One of the stripes has gone flaming pink! Clearly it's the stripe for Massachusetts. But whichever former colony it represents, we don't salute the pink, white and blue. Use this one to mop up vomit after a Socialist Party USA beer bash!

Green, white and orange. Man, that's not even trying. Use it as a dropcloth for that goat slaughter you have planned.

The 48-star flag flew over America for nearly 50 years, the longest reign of any US flag. But this isn't that flag. This is just some cheap and tawdry knockoff of the American flag suitable for, oh, let's say, being torn into strips and used as emergency feminine protection.

Red, white and blue? Check. 13 stripes? Check. 50 stars? Check. Well, then it must be an Americ-- hey. Wait a minute. Isn't that the Hamburgler in the bottom right corner? I may not know much, but I do know that the great Flag of the United States of America does not feature a second-tier corporate mascot, especially one with acknowledged -- indeed, celebrated -- criminal tendencies. This is not the American flag. Let's soak it in gasoline and roast weenies!

Perhaps we could set up a commision to determine the degree to which something is or isn't an American flag. Maybe there could be lesser sentences for burning flags with the Hamburgler on them.

Thanks to Eric Zorn for the pointer. Eric also has some things to say about all of this.